Blogs, and indeed journels are for teenage angst, right? Good.  I need to let out...something.  I know, I know, I said NO MORE BLOGGING, but whatever.  I deleted everyones email notification requests so all of the readers can fuck off and die.  No offence, because I did enjoy your feed back on my life... wtf that sounded weird.  Sif I care what the cunts out there think of my life... putting it nicely, of course.

I come here today, to talk about fate.  Is there really such thing as fate?  Can we really say 'Fate brought us together" or "Fate saved that littleboy from getting hit by the bus" In actual fact, once you fate over and over again it loses all meaning.  Fate, fate, fate, fate, fate, fate.  No longer does the word have meaning, its nothing more then a sound.  I always found it stupid that people used fate as an excuse.  "It wasn't mutual friends that brought us together, it was fate" Fate is not some magical force.  Fate is now just something for people to believe in.  Does everything happen for a reason? Did the kid trip onto the sidewalk and narrowly miss getting hit by a bus for a reason?  Was it so he can value his life? So he can turn around, look at himself and go "I am meant to make something of my life, has the 'greater force' got another intenetion for me?" Maybe.  In actual fact, he will probally just pick himself up and continue walking on the road, dodging 'fate' and ending up a dole bludger anyways.  People come into your life for a reason do they?  When people come into your life and make you feel like you are in no way important  enough to breathe the same air as them let alone live in there perfect world it was meant to happen.  You were MEANT to be on the point of suicide so that you can be a better person?  I can tell you, right now, someone with slices down their arm, sitting on there bed crying whilst tying a noose wont stop and think to themselves "Wait, this person has come into my life for a purpose, to help me" They will be all like "Fuck this place I am at, fuck this stage I am in, I want out!" Life isn't like that.  Nothing is never like that.  Am I really a stronger person from all that happened to me? Or do I just think that to give me some reason to go each day? Would I be different if that never happened?
Maybe.  What the fuck, of course it would be different.  I wouldn't think back on it all and then look in the mirror and then want to break it and cut myself with the shards.  I wouldn't lay back and think that my 'friends' are just using me, think that being friends with me was some big joke to them.  I would be able to trust people. I would be able to do so much that I can't do now because at the end of the day my mind wont let what happened go away.  There is only so much that I push back.  Nothing ever works. No amount of councilling and pills and psychologiests can help me.  Can help ANYONE. You cant even help yourself, because you can never, ever forget.  

Fucking, cant even be fucked writing this gay arsed fucking blog anymore.  Noone fucking gets anything anymore.  Not one person in this fucking world would be able to comprehend anything.

I am just cranky at life at the moment.  Yes, I love my life but I can still resent it at times.  I just feel lonely, like my friends have left me when in actual fact they haven't.  I hate feeling as though my life is 'fixed' when it isnt.  I hate everything spiraling outta control again. 

I just hate having shitty days.
I want someone to email me, let me know it will all be better.  Thats all I want.  Is to know its all gunna be ok.

So. I have just sat here for the past few hours, reading over my blog entires ... as one does ... And all I have to say is Oh My God. I have defently gone through my ups and downs in this lifetime.

So, for those who still read this, and have asked me to write another one ... here it is.

My life at the moment, is panning out nicely.  I no longer have to see a therapist, Jill is nothing more then a distant memory to me.  I believe that I am recovered.  It has been nearly a year since I last seriously self harmed, which is good. Had a slight lapse, but I quickly gained hold of myself and didn't... and trust me, Shannon has made me never wanna do it again, heh. I am now working and I just finished year 11, woot. One year to go! Then I get to go to uni and do Psychology and help people who were once what I was.  I can't wait to help people, I dont want anyone to feel like I did.

Shannon and I are still together. Its edging on 18 months now. That seems like forever! We have had our "moments" but other then that, everything is perfect.  Shannon is now in a Band, Portrait Of Promises, and you guys should check them out www.myspace.com/portraitofpromises they should be great. He was in another band. InAshes, but due to personal reasons quit, but you should still check them out, because they were awesome. You seriously have no idea how good they sounded, too bad they dont have more of their stuff up. It was magical. www.myspace.com/inashesau .  My friends ... Well My girlies are still here for me, but I think we have sorta grown appart. We still are bb's but, we have all gone out and stopped being so dependent on one another.  As much as I tried, they couldn't replace Krystal, and thats what I wanted them to do. Simone has a boyfriend now, woot.  I guess we just dont have as much time for only eachother now. Don't get me wrong, we are BBFL but you know... with other people too.  Dee and I are back good friends again.  We did kinda move appart - I dont know what happened with that - but it seems like he is back in my life again.  He is the closest thing I have to Krystal and I am glad he is in my life again.  If I cant have Krystal I can always have him. Oh - I did find krystal again by the way. She moved in with her dad ... So now I dont know where she is again. She keeps dissappearing. She said that she met someone exactly like me, so I think she is with her now... and I am just glad she is happy. I know that Krystal and I will be together one day ... one day soon.  I think I will go to Redcliff these holidays, see if I can find her. She is my everything, and as much as I dont want to admit it, I need her. I need her so badly. However, I am not dependent on her =P. I just rememeber our time together ... how great it was.  How I would love to her that back.

My family is good. Kris (Older Bro) Is back here, living with dad. They put their past behind them, which is a good thing.  Dad is with Nicole still, they seem 'in love' which is good, I guess. I still sorta wish that mum and dad were still together, but I have realised that life goes on. Mum is still single, after her aray of guys after her.  I think she likes it that way anyways.  She is getting her careea up and running, establishing herself which is wicked.  She is starting to write a book, so look out for that because I KNOW it will get published ... and so does she (one of her clients is like the part owner or CEO or something of a publishing company) so that should be good. Mum and Dad are on speaking terms, which is good for us kids... I think they realised that they had to keep their resentment to themselves to keep the peace, and stop using us as a bargining tool.  Dad has moved into his OWN house and has gone heaps lax! I am aloud to go out, and we are all getting along with him so much better.  I think he realises that he was a bit of a (beeeep)cunt(beeeep) and now is trying to make up for the 16 years of him 'not being there', which I am happy about. At least he is trying ... and suceeding.  Finally, my home life is sorting itself out.  I hated mum and dad together, I hated them split up ... but now I see that in any situation something good can come for it. I guess it  was for the best... but yes. It has made me so much of a better person ... made me grow up.  Made me be able to see things from a different point of veiw,  which is a good thing.

As per my enimies. Meh. They are leaving me alone and I am leaving them alone. I think that I just dont care anymore. You will always have people who try their hardest to bring you down but its up to you whether you just sit their and let it fuck you up or not. If you have people that love you, you will have people that hate you. Its just the way life is.  Tyson, as he said, 'destroyed me to make me a better person' which I thank him for, now.  I am a better person. I am a hell of alot better then I was before I met him. Sure I went through some shit ... but at least I have goten it out of the way at a young age so when I get older and it happens I can just shrug and get over it.  To be honnest, I dont even hate Tyson. Nor Cassie. Nor  Kyle. I thank them. If it wasn't for them, I would not have gained the friendships I have and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have realised what an awesomely great person I am... what I can be to say the least.  I am actually on civil terms with Tyson.  I guess all you ever have to do is forgive. I dont see/speak to Cassie or Kyle, which is probally a good thing for now, because while I know I can deal with it, I would rather not have to go through it again ... not at the moment when life is wonderful anyways.

I guess I have nothing more to say. I don't think I will write in this again ... not for a long time anyways. I just did it because I didn't want to leave it open like that.  I wanted to put closeour on my experiences... that and some people were bugging me to do up a new one =P

So yes. This is where I leave it. I hope you have had fun witnessing my highs and my lows (and there has been alot!) I wish you all well with whatever you do.

Much love, and may your gods be with you, eh?

xx Moccy

In my dreams, I am beautiful. I am the person everyone wants me to be - Intelligent, hardworking and above all, great to be around. I would walk into the room and your eyes wouldnot leave me. I would be all you thought about. You anticipated the minutes until you spoke to me again and cherished the hours we spent talking. You would attempt to do anything to make me happy, even if you didn't "Feel like it." You would look forward to going to sleep because it ment dreaming on me and dreaming of the times we could spend together, yet would never want to sleep because that would mean less time to talk to me. It would be love.

My life would be perfect. My family would be together and we would all get along. We would do something as a family every weekend - they would never be too busy.  Tears would be something I never experienced.  In my magical world.

In my dreams.

Nothing at all.

Maybe things arent ment to been known

So its a saturday night, and shock horror I am all alone. Mum rang before (Currently at dads) and was so surprised that I was here, she actually thought I was sick, being home on a Saturday night and all. I guess it is - I don't really spend much of the weekend at home. Saturday night and I am all alone. Home alone. Dad's gone to the hospital with Nick, he had gotten really bad now. Strange rashes breaking out all over him, tried everything - nothing works. Anyways, back on track. Before you ask (Not that anyone will, but I can allow myself to live in false hope) No, I am not wallowing in self pity as I am not out. I am not sitting here contemplating suicide because I have not been invited out. I don't actually know where any of the group is - minus Daina and Dwayne, who are at a wedding. Shannon has got his mate over, so I am leaving them alone... Boys need their time alone. Actually, I kinda welcome being here by myself. Gives me time to think, whether that is a good thing or not, I don't know, but alas! Thinking is what I have been doing. But what about?

Well, it is nearing towards aniversaries of major milistones in my life. Coming the first week of April is the date that my darling krystal died. No, she didn't really die. She left me, all alone in the big bad world to fend for myself. She might as well be dead for all I hear from her. Months go by without a single word, but I guess their is nothing I can do about that so why let it bother me. The second landmark in my life is the Seperation. April 25th - Oh wow, Bluchers Birthday. How unfortunate. The time is ticking down until the days that my dearest parents get that divorce. I hate that word, divorce. It's too formal, it means that things are ending for good. Divorce means nothing will ever go back to the way it was - whether that is a good or bad thing is another story.

Its quite ironic, actually. When dad still lived with us it was slightly unbearable and we wanted him to leave, perse. Now that he is gone it is still slightly unbearable and we want him back. I want him back. Life with dad was so much eaiser; No step parents to worry about, money was never an issue and home felt slightly safer (Other then when he had his outbursts, of course.) I guess, ever since they broke up I had a glimmer of hope that they MIGHT, just might work out their differences and get back together. Deep, deep down, my trival resentment behind, I wanted things to go back to how they were. Christmas eve was great, Mum and Dad back in the same house again, it felt like a family. That said, spending Christmas Lunch without my dad was one of the hardest things I had to do in all of my life.

I guess there is a first to everything. First came spending my birthday without my dad, second came Christmas and now come Easter. Wishing that my family would come back together is hopeless, kinda makes me feel like a fool for even having such a thought. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

I don't know whats happening with my lately. Writing this tears welled up in my eyes, and yet nothing came. I can never seem to cry when I am sitting here, all by myself. I only seem to cry infront of people, which for me, is quite embarressing. It seems that little things set me off, like last night. Shannon asked me if I wanted to go to the village, I said yes and then I said no. I changed my mind like that. I don't know what made me cry, shannon being angry at me or me not being able to make my mind up. I sat by myself and cried for what seemed like hours, but in reality it must have only been ten minutes. Poor shannon, think its all him. I feel so bad for making him put up with me. I can't even explain it to him because he will think I am a deranged weirdo. Well more of a deranged weirdo then he once thought. It feels as though my depression being being rekindled, which is not a good thing. Its like their is voices in my head telling me what a faluire I am. Constantly telling me I am worth nothing. A little tyson on my shoulder, I used to joke to myself. It's the worst at school, I seem to be getting such bad anxisity from it. I walk into their and something tell me that they all hate me, that they are planing something. In the afternoons when daina takes catchy home, and to KFC or shopping or whatever they do, the little voice tells me that Catchy is taking my place among the girls, that they all hate ME and and trying to kick ME out of the group. No, its not jelously, I don't know what it is. I have contemplated myself leaving, but that is oh so very hypocritical of me, since I seemed to be the one telling everyone to stay, and telling people that their is nothing wrong with HSC. Well their is nothing wrong with HSC itself, its just the people....out to get me. Heh. Such a psychopath.

Its scary because apparently I am the most sane one in my family. That in itself gives me no hope of the future.

On a happier note - Oh wait. There isnt any. I guess I will have to jump to my conclusion.

Well, my dearest, faithful blog, that is my thoughts. Love them.

Xx Moccy.

P.s I hope this colour burns you eyes.  Its all you people disserve anyway.

And I will

Beat my fist against my chest

If only too

prevent my heart from beating for you

*-------*

Only the strong survive

Reality is Harsh, isn't it

I guesss I will sit here

Twiddling my Thumbs

My leg is sore, damnit

Life is twisted, is it not

*mumble mumble*

Nothing More Nothing Less

Does life have a point?

Do I have a point?

Can flea's live in human hair!? Gods fucking Sake.

I don't want *it* to go

Letting things go never works

You can run away from it but you can never hide

Houstain disserves Pain 

Even though No one disserves Pain

I wish I were perfect

Life would be a hell of alot easier

We're all going to die one day

Oh wow, I'm facing it

One day I will be alone. 

Totally Alone

Gone

And I'm Crying

Crying  Crying Crying

Drowning in my own Tears

Is this happiness?

You can't go...I won't let you leave me <\3